I am thoroughly amused at my post title.
My spirit is laughing out loud.
WHY YOU MIGHT ASK, well…
As you can see in my title I missed a lot of posting on my website. I missed posting my podcast. I even missed several of my social media posting.
That’s me, I set impossibly high goals for myself and then all the bull crap ones fall by the wayside and we are left with one maybe two things that I have actually stuck to.
Exercising has been consistent and constant. Same routine and not a lot of change on that front. My weight spikes over the weekends because I only stretch for maybe 30 minutes and then I eat a lot more.
But here is what I have come to find in this journey as the end is in sight.
- God has to be first, this go round he was first but sometimes second and third. He has to be first every time other wise God isn’t going to bless me because I haven’t first talked with him about it.
- I need to set SMARTER goals for myself.
- I need to eat less now that I am gaining some traction with my exercising
- I need to find a more consistent way of checking in on myself.
I say all these things because I don’t look at my title and feel the pains of guilt, shame or disappointment. I am starting to hear the voice of God more these days. He is a lot more positive about me and believes in me more than I believe in myself some days.
I hear him saying, “Wow, Andrew that was a BIG GOAL!”, “I am proud of you for trying.”, “What do you think worked? What do you think didn’t work?”, “How would you do things differently next time?”, “How about next time we talk about it first, cause I have some ideas that might help!”
I know some might say that’s just inner voice talking, trust me, that is not my inner voice. My inner voice is loud, mean and harsh. It spits shame and guilt, as well as disappointment. Comments of not being good enough and having no value.
Some might say oh well that’s the rational part of your brain taking over.
NO TRUST ME, if I was any kind of rational why would I be like a dog returning to his own vomit for the last 10 years of my life trying to do the same thing that I always did that led me to the same feelings and emotions and inner voice dialogue.
NO, that is not rational, that is crazy. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
I know pop psychology.
YET, I meant what I said the first time.
Over the last 5 years of my life, I have been watching the old puddles of vomit that I would go to (sorry for the vulgarity but I am making a point) being scooped up by the nail scarred hands of Jesus and thrown into the trash can of forgetfulness.
Each year it’s been one thing after another that God has just picked it up and said, “yeah you don’t need this any more Andrew. I got something better for you.”
I am so grateful, and I am tearing up as I write this, at how he has revealed to me in these 21 days that my life’s testimony will not be one of sudden, miraculous and radical short-term permanent change. No, mine is a life long, agonizing, rewarding, fruitful, long-term, piece by ruddy piece, restoration project that only God and Jesus can handle.
I am so thankful they are good and patient with me the material they are working on. They push me, the pull me, they chisel me, they pick at me, and all in the name of my growth.
Thank you God for this journey!
A. Geist Production 