A. Geist Production

I want to preface this with. I am healthier, and healing from all this. I continue to be amazed at how God restores those that are broken. One major way that I have been restored is through forgiving and praying blessings upon all those that have hurt me, betrayed, forgotten, blamed, hated, gossiped, and yes even lied to me. I do genuinely hope and pray God is blessing them now as He is blessing me because of his infinite wisdom and mercy upon all of us.

People that are still apart of this church will deny what happened to me. Unfortunately because of worldly reasons like maintaining power, privilege and position within the church. This is fine, because God is bigger than all of us, our positions and power. And I am not under the same scrutiny that they are when the face the judgement horn.

As I said I am healing and God has restored my heart in ways I never would have imagined from the hurt I experienced working at a church I started working almost 8 years ago, and working under this particular senior pastor and leadership.

I believe in my heart that confession of my pain, my hurt and yes even my failure is necessary.

July 2022 a week before my youngest’s birth while the senior pastor was on a mission trip that the church would be going in a different direction with worship that didn’t include me. And in October I was let go with severance in 2022. Honestly, it was probably for me (mostly) the best possible outcome.

Why?

Because I was released from probably the most unbelievably painful & hurtful, and I would say scariest seasons of my life as a Christian leader.

As I said at the beginning, I pray blessings upon each other their lives, every person who gossiped, every person who lied to me, every person who gaslit me, every person who falsely accused me of things they didn’t know anything about. Frankly, things that many shouldn’t have known but somehow became public in ways I didn’t expect. God is just, and he is the judge not me. I used to be very angry at SO many people because of what happened. Now, I just feel sad because I see so many biblical principles played out in this and now every church I have come in contact with since.

The truth is my previous work environment and culture needs to come to their own realizations about the unhealthiness that surrounds them and that leads them weekly.

There are a lot of things I wish I hadn’t experience serving in this church 8 years ago. Even more so, I wish I wasn’t a part of them. As I said, gossiping, false accusations, lying, justifying sinfulness for the sake of gifting. Determining giftedness based off of preference and not actual spiritual and biblical standards. Narcissistic, gaslighting and abusive closed door behaviors and conversations that I wish I had never been around, these hurt the most. I perhaps have underestimated how much I believe all things, hope all things and endure all things with a love that never fails as God’s word says. but more specifically how well meaning, best intentioned, but also selfish sinful people take advantage of this in me has become abundantly clear over the last 10 years of ministry. So have even gone so far as to call me soft and that’s okay too!

During my years of service I saw a pattern and culture of people leaving suddenly and without much explanation. This is usually indicative of problems within staff culture and leadership. I am praying a blessing of change for this culture to occur and that they might recover and grow.

That’s not to say there weren’t bright spots throughout my time. In fact there were many. But for 60 plus years the relational soil, and the culture I was in, can only describe as Jesus did in Matthew 15:7-9, Isaiah 29:13, Ezekiel 33:31 and Mark 7:14-25. These passages were statements against specifically the leaders of Israel and we can take them in turn and look at our church cultures and ask the same questions and seek to find answers and hopefully healing. But sometimes it’s not our job to do this, sometimes God has us where we are for a season. This is why our lives and prayer lives change to pray that these scriptural realities within the culture we are in or have now left, that God will change it by his power. But I am also reminded that the Bible tells us pretty clearly that he will use wolves in sheep clothings to further weed out the sheep from the goats, the weeds and tares.

This is why I pray for this church and it’s people more and more. I pray for blessings to be abundant because it’s God’s church not mine and certainly not one pastor’s or elderboard or staff. It’s God’s and he is going to do what HE WILL’S because it will all reveal His Glory and goodness.

I have on my part sought forgiveness and made amends where I was able and would not cause further harm to me or others involved. We all in this modern culture struggle with pride, because we will read the word of God and beleive that it doesn’t apply to me. That Paul, Peter, John and the apostle letters don’t apply to us. Like when the church in Corinth is addressed by Paul as tolerating false teaching, weak moral character and more in 2 Corinthians 11:19-20

“For you gladly bear with fools, being wise yourselves! For you bear it if someone makes slaves of you, or devours you, or takes advantage of you, or puts on airs, or strikes you in the face.”

We look at our church cultures and think that this doesn’t apply to us because we have better more true theology or doctrine than they did. How arrogant we are sometimes. We are called to hold each other accountable for how we act and behave in church. This includes those who have been called to serve. I was held accountable and my consequence (albeit not wholly honest, sincere, moral or christian, God honoring or loving) was that I must end my term of service to this body of believers and move to where I am now.

I DON’T EVER WANT TO EXPERIENCE THIS HURT AGAIN! (Though I suspect I will. Because we as God’s creation is SINFUL.) I am unbelievably grateful for the culture I am in now and how much I am using the things I have learned from the unhealthy culture to be a voice for health in the culture I am in now.

In Christianity, we tend to justify and destroy one another because of our pride when we are held accountable to the word of God. Speaking as a pastor, though I know I don’t possess what some would say are the SPECIFIC qualifications. Pastors and leaders in the church are the MOST exposed to the sin of pride.

WHY? Because all we do is for our ‘flock’. And our flock, the longer we lead, becomes a reflection of us. If the congregation fails it’s the pastor’s failure. If the congregation succeeds it’s the pastors success. The really unhealthy leader actually does the opposite of this, they don’t take ownership of failures and shift blame elsewhere and to someone else, then only take the success and make it theirs.

Unfortunately Pastors are the first to forget the longer they serve in a church that it isn’t even their flock, church or position to begin with. It’s GOD’S FIRST. HE has AFFORDED us the pastor/leader position. If we live in a position of having no healthy fear of God calling us to a new place, or that he can at any point take it from us. THEN we probably possess so much pride and control of our current church and culture that the harsh reality is that we are someone the apostle John accused in Revelation of losing their first love for Jesus.

There are some people who have a heart stain of pride and arrogance so deep they don’t even know they are hurting people or are a culprit for poor leadership. This stain has become so ingrained in their identity, personality and worldview that they become incapable of receiving correction from others because their level of pride has them in a constant state of “I am better than you. So why should I listen to you.” They also tend to speak in terms like “If I have to explain myself twice, I have no time for you.” or “You don’t possess the biblical knowledge I do, so WE have nothing to talk about.”

These types of leaders, senior pastors, worship leaders, christians with these heart stains only see the people around them as tools to be used for their OWN success. They are incapable of having a real, and genuine relationship with those they serve.

They are also always looking for ways for those they serve to need them and use any personal information as a means for future manipulations (gaslighting). Eventually you will have no value to them, either they find a reason or you provide one. Then they will cut you out of their lives (eventually). If you challenge them and their internal identity of pride, then they will cut you out of their lives and ministry.

They are incapable of receiving or processing criticism, if they feel it, they will cut you out of their lives. They are also exceptional at making you feel valued by basic human kindness. If you were like me in need of validation, you will fall for this false flattery. As you grow and mature and see through this false flattery, you might hope that this person will actually have an equitable relationship (i.e. a healthy relationship that has equal give to take relational components and nobody wins kind of relationship.)

But they are incapable of doing so, when they are threatened they are not above being abusive, they are not above lying about you, your performance, your abilities. They will pass the blame of their failings to you, they will also not see what they are doing as abusive because they justify that they aren’t being physically abusive but the reality is abuse comes in words too.

If you are involved with a person like this, in the psychological world we would call them NARCISSISTS. But classifying them is difficult because their self worth, value, identity, world views are dangerously intertwined with this pride heart stain that to classify them is to bring danger to them and anyone around them.

If you are involved with a person like this you might think you are unique or different. An exception to the rule, that they treat you differently then how others have said they will. I thought I was, very foolishly, and I am so grateful to God that he has freed me from the prison of my previous leadership and now I am experiencing healing and wholeness (not perfection) in the culture I serve in now.

The reality is a pride stained narcissistic person will not, unless by the hand of God coming against them, ever bow to anyone; nor view anyone beyond mere tools to their own success. They will eventually use and abuse and dismiss you and I am sorry for you when this happens to you.

An even scarier thing for a church culture, you become like them, fall in line and do as they do to others and become a further contributor to the poisoned culture of your church. Especially when you start to accuse others for your failings, slander others behind their backs when they are being honest with you.

You are in fact now no better than the church in Corinth or the Church that John wrote to in Revelation who lost their first love of Christ. I want to share a quote I found from a bible study I went through that helped me to release, and continue to forgive and pray for healing from the narcissistic leader, church culture I was a part of. IF, you need help freeing yourself from this culture, reach out to me and I am happy to share with you my experience and this particular bible study as it is in YOUVERSION.

“Seeing narcissism and pride soaked leaders through the eyes of Scripture and brain science helps us feel compassion for them. They are caught in a great weakness and do not realize it. They are not our enemies. When we show them love and all the good qualities and natures of God in a Christlike group identity, diseased leaders learn how shame can improve their character. Instead of fearing and avoiding shame, they are shown how to metabolize it relationally: “We are glad to be with you in these feelings. We are glad we get to go through this together.” Our joy and love and all the good qualities and natures of God form a lifesaver that pulls the self-justifier to safety. It may be necessary to remove a leader in order for them to heal. Their soul is more important than their job as a pastor. We must continue to welcome them in our loving community, without which they have little chance to heal.

This is some deep water, but there is good news in all of this talk about an infected Christianity. We have hope. The disease thrives in some communities and languishes in others. Churches with neglected relational development are susceptible because they have weak soil. Churches with robust relational training are places where narcissism has trouble taking root. 

This stiff-necked infection is a vicious relational weakness that is difficult, but not impossible, to treat. Treating a severe infection starts by restoring the health of the community soil. Jesus’s vision for his church is a vibrant, loving community. Devoid of pride and selfishness and self-justification. 

Significant changes and work are required to create a community with sufficiently healthy soil to resist narcissism, but the disease can be stopped. The infection can be cured, narcissists can be healed, and narcissism can be eradicated from the church.

Lord Jesus, help us.”

God Bless you all thank you for reading this and joining me on this journey.